I've never really understood how I came to be who I am. I guess in some ways these things I do everyday have ingrained qualities in me that are impossible to replace.
But sometimes I wonder what would happen if it all just went away. What if one day I woke up with amnesia? And I couldn't remember a single thing of my life before?
I would move around my so called home viewing photos of a girl who looks ever so familiar but a stranger all the same. I would wish that I could meet the girl in the photographs who is smiling and laughing. I would live with these people who are supposedly my parents. I guess I could see that, in the mirror I can make out the woman's colors and eyebrows and the man's eyes and lips. And I would go to school with an array of people staring and whispering things like, "She doesn't remember anything" or "It happened overnight, or at least that's what I heard." There would be a few kids who reintroduced themselves to me as if they know I am no longer the same. I would like those people. I would like the girl's smile and the boy's laugh. They would make me feel at home in a world of strangers. When break would come, a young man would come home. I could see that we share similar features although I am darker than he. They would tell me he is my brother. I would wish dearly to remember who this happy boy was, but would search my brain and come out blank every time.
I would feel bad. I would feel as if I were letting people down. In a way, I could be. They would expect me to be someone that I no longer know how to be. I would have lost all of my past experiences that had led me to that cheerful girl in the photographs. I would have to build my own personality. Start over. Although constantly I would think about who this girl was. What did she stand for? What was her favorite color? What kind of music did she listen to? Was she popular? Was she a nerd? What did she fear most? What made her happy? Who were her closest friends? Was she bold? Quiet? Determined? Stubborn? Loud? Smart? Stupid? Who was she? Who was this girl that I am supposed to replace?
And that's just it. Replace. What a word. So painful, yet so innocent. Why would I need to replace her? Why would I need to replace anyone? Why can't I just be whomever is in this body that I have possessed? Even then, it would be impossible to replace another being. The beauty of it is that once somebody is gone, they're gone, sweetie. No getting them back. There will be nobody like them. There will be no replacement. You cannot duplicate, you cannot replace a being that possesses the ability to think for itself and consciously act upon its own desires.
I think that's one of the most interesting concepts. That every single human being on this planet, every single Homo sapien to walk this earth had and has a unique mentality and a singularly distinctive set of thoughts that have never existed until they thought about whatever the topic may be.
To build on that, we all interpret life and books and movies and photographs and quotes differently. Imagine being able to see how that other person visualizes your favorite book. I would be blown away. Think about it, there are an infinite number of ways one could fathom this post and not a single one of them would match up with the words running through my head that I am attempting to convey to you.
So what I'm trying to say, is replacement is just a term we use to accommodate for loss. It isn't really a thing. Like vegetables. Vegetable is a commercial term. There is no such thing. At least I believe there isn't.
I hope you all are having a glorious day.
If my small number of viewers read to this point, comment and let me know what you think about mental illness such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and poetry.
Curiosity killed the cat....and my family calls me a cat....I guess I know how I'll die.
What a happy note I ended this on!
-T
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